Back to the blog now, I know the last post was serious and sentimental, but it had to be done. It feels weird to blog now about something that’s not serious after all that’s happened, but I’m thinking of it more as a distraction for me now. So let this blog then serve as a sort of distraction for you, too. Besides, in life there is always ups and downs, and sometimes you must fight tears with laughter.
Being all sensitive and reflective on life leads me to my next post. Now I live my sarcastic life by two sayings. The first is “follow your heart”. This flowery phrase (which unfailingly makes me want to break into a song from Disney’s Pocahontas – yeah you know the one) means basically “do whatever the fuck you want.” Yep, pretty simple.
The second saying is “boys will be boys.” This one probably pertains mostly to my love life, but can be used pretty much interchangeably in any discussion regarding the opposite sex. This probably explains a lot of things but what it comes down to is that I don’t bother with wondering about guys. They like sports and stuff. And some guys don’t. It really doesn’t matter. The point is to not to think too much into it, because most guys have simple motives. I mean, this isn’t even gender specific I just like to say “boys will be boys.”
Anyway, that being said, this post brings us to the Friday night of November 9th. Me and Suzie had some big dreams for snowboarding for the winter and there was a ski & snowboard expo in town that we decided to go to and luckily enough, we managed to drag Colin along, too. We didn’t have time to eat since we both got out of work late enough and we wanted to go there before it closed that night. Big mistake, since we also decided to do some serious drinking including bringing water bottles of wine into the expo. After the expo, we hit a bar and by I’d say 9:30 we were both blackout and Colin had to walk Suzie home and tuck me into bed. Thank god and I’ll tell you why.*
It all started with a dart game. Well no, that’s not entirely true. It all started with a girl. A mean girl who broke my roommate’s heart. Now, this girl may read this blog from time to time. She is a nice girl however now that she has broken my roommate’s heart she is no longer on my nice list and I hope she breaks her legs. No, ok so that’s mean maybe not both legs. That’s just the way it is. Sorry, Girl. So he had a broken heart and he was down about that as anyone would be about something like that and the 3 of them were drinking and 2 of them apparently came up with this “great” idea, which was to find a distraction from said broken heart.**
As many of you know, are only a few things that can take a guy’s mind off of a girl. One of those things is drinking and the other thing is yep, you guessed it, a different girl. Since my roommates were already drinking, they just needed some ladies. Now where were these 2 boys to find female company on short notice guaranteed to give them the attention they were looking for? That’s right, my friends: the interwebs. That’s also right, my friends: the girls I am talking about are prostitutes. YES, I KNOW.. what theeeee fuck. The thing is my roommates are not even bad looking. Actually they are all super duper cute and, on top of this, they are athletic and have blue eyes and Irish accents… Like seriously, who wouldn’t love them!?
So not sure the logic was there, but, as I always say, boys will be boys (hehehe, yeah, I did that). Anyway they did. Here is what happened next, courtesy of a numbered list:
1. They played a dart game to see who would get their first pick. I know, they treat objects, women, man.
2. Ladies of the night arrive.
3. The 2 boys who ordered (I use the word “ordered” here because I really don’t know the correct terminology for requesting a prostitute. Using the word “ordered” makes it sound like they called up Domino’s but I’m sorry, I don’t know what other vocabulary to use here) the girls then decide that they are going to chicken out and no longer want to have sex with the 2 women.
4. a) One of them pretends to be asleep on the couch.
b) One of them goes into his room, shuts the door, jumps out his window onto the back porch and then climbs up onto the roof to hide there.
c) The third one, who has been observing this all from the kitchen, sits in the kitchen and continues to drink while laughing his ass off.
5. Prostitutes get angry, and I don’t blame them. If I got all dressed up and went to work, only for my boss to tell me that he didn’t need me and wasn’t going to pay me, I’d be pissed off too. So they steal one of my bottles of champagne and depart back into the night from whence they came.
6. Boys watch on the roof as they get back into their pimp’s car and drive away. More laughter. Everyone goes to bed.
7. Next morning comes. The third roommate who did not order the prostitutes tell me what happened. Needless to say, I am fucking furious. The house is bad enough of a carnival as it is without fucking pimps and prostitutes knowing where we live.
8. I wake each of the 2 offending roommates up with a slap in the face and a lecture.
9. I make them breakfast and we eat as a family.
THE END. Moral here is that boy wills be boys. Oftentimes, boys do not think before they act, either. (But in a way it’s kind of heart-warming – or something – they way they chickened out.) I have no choice but to forgive them, so I hope you will, too. Besides, even if I was fucking pissed, at least I get a blog post out of it, right?
*Now, please keep in mind I am sharing this story based on the retelling of it to me by my roommates. As I was in a blacked-out slumber, neither the forces of Heaven nor Hell would have woken me, so I am going to relate this the best I can.
**I am also not going to relate which 2 roommates are the guilty ones in this story. If you know them personally, you can pick the one you think is the innocent one and which 2 are the.. ahem… “naughty” ones, if you will…